“I used to wonder where you are
these days I can’t find where you’re not” – mewithoutYou

Looking back, I have made it a long way. Not to sound in any way arrogant or better than anyone else in any way, but there have been so many things that have shaped me into who I am now.

Not perfection. Improvement. And not always a whole lot.

In some aspects, the only growth I have had was just realizing where I was in the struggle. God used to be such a rare thing to find in any troubles. That isn’t who I would turn to. And recently I feel like I am going back to my old ways. God shows up in my day so much now. But it has almost become like I am shutting him out.

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.” – Psalm 91:14

And that is where I get caught dead in my tracks. I have no problem accepting God. But acknowledging is another story. I don’t think I ever really turn everything I have, everything I want, and everything I am to the one that matters. The one who could really do something about it.

Jesus said he would take my burdens from me. But how can I expect him to take them from me if I don’t first give them up to him?

I have some things I need to say. And this song pretty much sums it all up.

“I feel but do not speak
I sleep but do not rest
I breathe but do not live
I hurt but do not cry
I see but do not know
I pray but I’ve lost my heart” – Haste The Day, Chorus of Angels Demo

I feel like some times I have almost lost myself completely. I feel like in some aspects of my life God has been cut off, and I don’t have anyone I am living for. Or really, anyone worth living it for.

I feel but do not speak. I go through things and I am not always 100% transparent with the people I need to. I have things to tell people, but I hold back. Not just because of how it may sound, but how they may take it. I don’t want to see them get hurt, but I haven’t figured out how to tell them. And when I do tell them, they won’t listen. It’s almost as if my words aren’t important enough to them. 

“This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.” – 1 Corinthians 2:13

I sleep but do not rest. Sometimes I try to relax. I try to live a life of faith, and depend on him for everything. But even in this state of relaxing, I am really on the edge the entire time. I still worry. I still stress. That’s not faith. That is doubt. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

I breathe but do not live. I take all the actions of living without the actual living part of it. I know what I believe, and I try to show that I do. But where am I living it? How am I showing the world what I believe in?

“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.” – Romans 8:11

I hurt but do not cry. I get attacked. I do what I think is right and get crap for it. And it’s not by the people I would expect it from. It is the exact opposite. But I feel like I can’t show my brokenness, I can’t show that I am weak. I don’t want to be the one to fall. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds” – James 1:2

I see but do not know. I see him. I know he is there. But it seems like that doesn’t change anything about me. I feel like God is just a little added bonus in my life. There are times when I just shut him out. How can I say I know him if there are times when selfishness rises above our relationship? 

“I want to know you, I want to see your face, I want to know you more” – I Want To Know You More

I pray but I’ve lost my heart. I pray to change. I ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I think I might just do it because I know I am supposed to. I don’t always know if my heart is where it should be. I can’t honestly say I put in all I can into my relationship with God. I say I want to. I think I want to. But if that is really true, then what is keeping me from doing that? 

“… and melt this heart of stone” – Jesus Paid It All

The song is the demo version, the real one doesn’t have the same words.